I’m a little late writing this, I meant to get a message to you before your changes started. In my defense, you started very young and took me by surprise.
I am hoping, by giving you a heads-up about the havoc you will experience by the actions of your hormones, I will be able to do two things. One, I am hoping to proactively prove I am not a complete dumbass. Two, I am hoping to lessen any fears or worries you might have when all the emotional bullshit comes crashing in on you.
Throughout this next bit of life, emotions are going to fuck around with you. A lot. There will be times they will terrify you. There will be times you will be inexplicably, horrifically, sad. There will be days of not giving one shit about anyone or anything whatsoever. You will hate. You will love. You will want to laugh but be unable. You will want to cry but be unable. And vice versa. Some days you will know why you feel or don’t feel whatever. But mostly, you won’t.
Shame will be bigger. Not because it should be but because that’s just what happens during this time in your life. Embarrassment will feel terminal. It is not. Anger will feel too big to contain. You will question everything, your own value, the worth of everyone you have ever known, the trustworthiness of yourself, the trustworthiness of others. The value of life.
Love, confusion, inspiration, excitement, motivation, joy, will take turns, each engulfing you completely or disappearing altogether. Sometimes several times in one day.
It will be a lot.
And some days it will feel as if it will be this way forever. It won’t.
Some days will feel as if time is flying by so fast you can’t catch your breath. You can.
A thing I know is, while you are going through all of this, you will feel various emotions about me. I will be stupid. I will be ugly. I will be boring. I will be hated. There will be days you will wish I’d shut up, go away, leave you alone, stop paying attention to you at all. There will be days you wish I’d die. There will be days you will be terrified I’ll die. I will try very hard not to. I will try very hard to keep my patience.
I will wait for you.
Even when you can’t stand the sight of my face, my face and I will never be very far away.
Because, eventually, the you who is the actual you will come back. You will remember yourself. You will remember me. Everything will all balance out and be okay.
You might even feel a little sorry for being an asshole. Or, you might not. Either is fine by me.
The only thing I ask you to do is- if you find yourself stuck somewhere dark during your journey through all of these things, find your way out. If you can’t do it on your own, find help. From someone who brings light to the dark, not from someone who encourages you to embrace the darkness.
If you need to hate, hate me. If you need to be angry, be angry at me. If you need to scream, I am tough enough. I can take it.
When you begin to feel like you might be reaching the other side of all of this… come find me. Even if you never want a hug again, I will accept you. Even if you never want to say, I love you, to me again, I will accept you.
Even if you change so much through all of it you think no one will recognize you, I will accept you.
Even if you are unrecognizable to me at first, if you are you, I will accept you.
Until then, I look forward to getting reacquainted.